The Greatest Reborn Story Ever
by srgeman
Summary: This story is the single greatest story ever written about reborns! Well, it might actualy be a parody.
1. On Parrodies and Reborns

**AN: **This is a story I've been thinking about doing for a long time now, and only with some help finaly got around to doing. This story is a joint effort between me and the wonderfull Lady of DarkFire. It's dedicated to all fans of reborns, we hope you like it as much as we did.

**I: On Parrodies and Reborns**

Suicide has absolutely nothing to do with this story. Nor personal loss, nor self-discovery, nor anything deep and meaningful. Rather, our story is about-

Hey! Are you doing the opening narration?

Shut up, I got a good one going.

No! We both agreed I'd be the one to give the vaguely deep bullshit!

Damn it Rye, you're ruining this! You ruin everything, you somehow managed to ruin taking a shit with your nonstop blathering.

Fine, let's just start the story.

I agree. Our story begins-

Our story began in a classroom!

Damn it Rye. Alright, since I didn't get to do the narration, I'm narrating the chapter!

Shit.

* * *

**Ebony**

Myself and the numbskull I would eventually be stuck with were ourselves stuck in school.

"Say Ebony?" Rye asked.

"Not now, I'm planning my team!" I replied, "I'm thinking of a team made up entirely of under-evolved Pokemon, whose types don't complement each other. Since I'm the main character though, I'll only loose if I need to learn a lesson."

"Uh, no. What I meant was, doesn't anyone find it odd that every aspect of school revolves around Pokemon, and no one has ever graduated?"

"That's just because instead of graduating from school, they go on long Pokemon journeys that teach them all they need to know."

"Yes, and when they finish, they rarely go back to school."

"I think companies just hire them off the street, so who needs school?"

"These are the people who are running the world. No wonder things are the way they are."

"Oh shut up."

"Something wrong Ebony?"

"Hi Derrik," I said with a smile, "It's Ebony." Rye rolled his eyes, and I stabbed him in the side with my pencil. He screamed, fell backwards out of his chair, and writhed in agony trying to stop the bleeding. Had Derrik not been in the room, I might have cared.

"So Ebony," Derrik said, "You're planning going on your own Pokemon journey?"

"Y-Yeah! Well, I heard you were going on your own journey."

"My parents said I was," Derrik said, "They're kicking me out and renting my room out to a crack whore."

"...Okay."

"Anyways, it doesn't matter. I've got all I need for the journey, a great face, a nice hat, a bunch of rambling pseudo-philosophy about having heart."

"Don't you need Pokemon to win?" I asked.

"Oh please, all you need is to look nice and be able to monologue well, and the story gods will let you win. Watch." Derrik looked off in the distance.

_It's another day in school, another day among the wretched masses. They have no idea of the danger that awaits them in the real world. Danger I will face day and night, with only me and my Pokemon. Also, two companions I'll pick up at some time. I need a quirky comic relief character. What kind of story would this be if I didn't have a comic relief character?_

"What's he doing?" Rye asked.

"Having a monologue. Give him a moment" I replied.

"Oh, I will," Rye turned and shoved me out of my chair.

"Hey!" I shouted, jumping up. "What was that for?"

"You stabbed me!" He shoved me again, and I stumbled back into the window. "Why did you think it was okay to stab me!"

"Because you being stabbed wasn't a plot point, it was a throw away gag. You're not hurt!" I protested.

"I don't care." Rye shoved me a third time. "You don't get to do that." He tried to shove me again, but for some reason I grabbed onto his arm, pulling him into me. We both toppled backwards, through the glass.

"Gah! We're going to fall!" Rye cried.

"Derrik, help us!"

_I also need a theme song. I mean, all good heroes have a theme song. Spider-Man had a theme song, the Power Rangers had a theme song._

"Damn your narration!" I shouted as we fell.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaa-THUD

We slammed into the bushes, both of us left upside down. I looked at Rye slowly, dazed and confused.

"How on earth are we alive?" I asked. "Was it a miracle that saved us?"

"Probably the fact that our classroom is on the first floor," Rye said, gesturing at the shattered window above us.

"Oh yeah." I stood up, brushing glass off of me. Rye stood up, and I kicked him down. "That's for knocking us out of that window." It was about this time that Mew chose to appear.

Mew just kind of rose out of the ground a smile on his face. His body looked as stupid as you would expect, with a head 3 times the side of his body.

"Greetings recently deceased human!" Mew chirped happily, "I'm Mew!" Rye looked at me, and chose to speak up.

"Uh, we're still alive."

"Now I know you're scared but," Mew paused, "You're still alive."

"That's what I said," Rye cried, "We're not dead. Why are you acting like we both died?" Mew sighed.

"Giratina swore to me you had both died. I mean, this just doesn't make sense. I mean," Mew paused and snapped his digits. "Wait, I know how to fix this!" Mew placed his paws on me and Rye's heads. He then slammed our heads so hard together, our skulls cracked, killing us. Suddenly we both appeared, floating above our dead bodies.

"God damn it!" Mew vaporized both of our bodies, and fixed the glass. Surprisingly, no one had come to notice that we had fallen out of the window and died. Derrik in fact was still monologuing.

"Now as I was saying, I've come to offer you a wonderful opportunity. Your human lives are over."

"Because of you!" I snapped.

"Your human lives are over, and it's time to move on. No one is to blame for this."

"Uh, yeah they are. You're to blame" Rye said.

"This is no one's fault."

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" We shouted.

"Look, you want to shut the fuck up and let me finish the fucking speech before I shove my pink fist up your undead ass!" Mew shouted, left eye twitching. "Thank you. Now, I can't give you your human bodies back, but I can give you something more. New life, as Pokemon."

"If we refuse?" Rye asked.

"Then you can take your chances with what's on the other side" Mew said, "What do you say?" I turned to Rye.

"Well, it would bring us back to life."

"Are you kidding me! He smashed our heads into pulp! I wouldn't trust this doofus to give me a blow job!" I paused.

"You want Mew to give you a blow job?"

"That's not the point! The point is, he's a dick. Do you really trust him?" I thought about it for a moment, and then turned to Mew.

"We agree."

"Excellent!" Mew chirped.

"Uh, no we don't!" Rye protested, "I most definitely don't agree. I will not be ignored!" We both ignored him, as Mew continued on.

"You're going to enjoy this, at least I think you will. Ah what do I know, I agreed to be in _Sliders_, I have no judgment." He held out his paws, and everything went hazy, glowing white...

* * *

...I could feel the ground under my feet. My four toes, no talons. I was running, I could feel the wind going across me. I cracked an eye open.

I was in a field. All around me I could see Doduo, running around, mulling about, jabbering. I could also see a beak at the end of my field of vision. A quick look down confirmed what I feared, a mass of rust colored feathers.

"Son of a bitch!" I cawed, "That fucking Mew, he brought me back as a Doduo. Jeez, can you imagine anything"

"Could you shut up, I'm trying to sleep." I pulled myself to a stop. Slowly, I spun my head to my right, to see another head. With Rye's voice.

"Gah! Ah! AhAhAh!" Rye head sighed.

"Well if you won't" He opened his eyes and looked at me. "Fuuuuuuck!"

"We're a Doduo!" I screamed, "Mew turned us into a Doduo"

"Thanks Captain Obvious. Why not tell me that water is wet next," Rye head began waving back and forth. "Alright, this means...Oh no"

"What? We're going to be cut up and served as Kentucky Fried Doduo?"

"Worse," Rye gulped, "We've been brought back in one body because the plot has decided we have to bond and become friends." I shrieked.

"No! Oh good God no!"

"This is the one I've picked out for you." We both turned to see a fat man with a clipboard, being followed by someone familiar. "He-she is a beaute."

"He-she?"

"Well, it has both sets of equipment, and the heads are different genders. It happens more often then you think, going to make breeding it a bitch though"

"Derrik!" I cried. Derrik stood in front of us, holding a heavy bag, looking us up and down. He nodded.

"Alright, I'll accept it."

"Excellent," the fat man said, "We'll head back to my office and discuss payment." He turned and walked off, but Derrik stayed with us. He slowly stroked Rye's head.

"If you're going to carry my stuff…" He pulled the bag off, and dumped it on our back. The weight almost made us collapse. "You might as well start now. Come on, follow me bird."

"Isn't he wonderful?" I said dreamily.

"This is going to be a long journey," Rye mumbled.


	2. On Love Interests and Comic Relief

AN "Hey guys this is Srgeman again bringing you a chapter written by the wonderful Lady of DarkFire, perfection, and the cosmic entity who shares a part of my… oh fuck this is bull shit. She's got me trapped in her dungeon! I can see the death kitten's circling me. Send help! Send- GAH!

I said a nice intro! It's so hard to find nice slaves these days… I suppose I have to do all the announcements myself now, well good thing I kept a list on hand. Okay number one: hi every one I'm Lady of DarkFire a good friend of Srgemans', number two: me and Srgeman have decided to update every other week, and finally number three: enjoy the random hilarity.

**II: On Love Interests and Comic Relief**

Hey the next chapter's starting? Yes, and there's no stupid Ebony around to ruin it. I get to narrate this chapter!

**Rye**

"Now get out! And don't forget we love you!" It's been a week since we'd been bought by Derrik. We were currently tied up to his hose outside, and like every other kid in town Derrik was being thrown out so he could "go on his journey."

"Hey Ebony?" She sighed.

"What!"

"How come all the kids in town go on their journeys on the same day?" I asked.

"Because if they all leave at once it's more likely that they'll meet their traveling companions and rivals, and they'll all be on equal footing."

"But won't they all swarm the gyms? And Pokémon centers and-" Just then Derrik came over and began to strap all his stuff to us.

"Oh shit I forgot my Masturbation jar."

"Jar…?" I asked. Oh God, did this mean we would be dragging his jar?

"He's so dreamy."

"Hey Ebony," Derrik was now riding on us in a town, somewhere. Except we weren't in a town in the last scene.

"Why does your mouth ever open?"

"Why are we now in the middle of town?"

"Because what happened between now and back then isn't important."

"Not important! We had our first battle for Arceus's sake." I said, "It happened off paige! Our readers probably have no idea what's going on, nor that we had our first battle!"

"Yeah and won it in one move too." Man did she say this smugly.

"You're acting like that's an achievement. Everyone I repeat everyone wins their first battle, though most people have it happen on paige." We were so busy argueing, that we didn't notice a kid walk in front of us. We noticed when we knocked him over however.

"Ow, what the hell, watch it!" Derrik didn't even blink when the kid he mowed down screamed at him. Instead, he staired off into the distance, unblinking.

"What's wrong with him?" I asked. Ebony's head slammed into mine. "Fucking bitch that killed!"

"he just monologing, leave him be" She wasn't hurt at all, bitch.

_Excitement, happiness, nervousness, all their superficial emotions seeping out of them, targeting me, surrounding me 'till I can't think, move or even breathe. It presses and presses trying to find a way into my soul, but I got to fight back, not just for my safety, but for the safety of my Pokémon who trust me to lead them into battle, to train them till they are the strongest in the region, to give th-_

"I am going to die, this jackass is going to lead me to my death." I mumbled.

"You say something Rye?"

"Just some well-timed wit."

"Okay whatever." It was about here that I noticed that we were walking towards the town gates with about 30 other kids ranging from the age of 10 to 22.

"Hey Ebony?"

"Damn it, why do I keep answering you!"

"Because we need humor in this parody… Hey now I'm answering you." I said. For some reason, this set Ebony off.

"Die… die die die DIE D-" As she was lunging for my eyes when Derrik suddenly changed direction dragging us (who he'd harnessed) with him.

"Hey Derrik! Wrong way, town gates are to the north, not west!"

"I hate to agree with the idiot but he's right, the gates are to the north." We were now walking down an ally, with no path in front of us, just a brick building.

_Taking your own steps on a journey, that's what a journey's about right? Becoming your own man fighting the social norm, making your own path, fighting for your right to-_

"Shit he's still monologing… Hey Ebony?" I asked, as the brick building vannished, a new path appearing.

"Yeah?"

"Was there a path here before?"

"Nope."

"So the writer gods do like him?"

"It would appear so."

"We did it again." Ebony looked over to me.

"Huh?"

"We did a time/scene skip, man that makes me dizzy, oh good now I'm remembering stuff that I didn't remember before." Every time we cut to a new scene, we would suddenlt begin remembering what happened in between scenes. Of course none of this would happen if the Overlords would just write the damn scene, but I digress.

"Suck it up pussy." Ebony said. "Sure it would be nice if-" Our conversation was stopped by the angry shouts of some man.

"Well it don't seem fair." A comical voice shouted.

"Life isn't fair." A magestic and powerfull voice repplied.

"Yeah life ain't fair." Another magestic and powerfull voice.

"Well that's bull shit!" Not too far up the road was a grown man, stairing at the sky, arguing with the air.

"Are you still talking! You inconsiderate brat!" A powerful and hammy voice.

"Your overlords said it wasn't fair, sit down!"  The other voice yelled.

"Overlords! You're not my overlord, you're a nerd obsessed with Spider-man, and ann anime freak!" I'm serious there was no one there to go with the other two voices.

'You will shut up, or we will make you a woman! Or worse, a virgin!'

'Or even worser... is that a word… no? Okay then. Even more horrible: a Dragon Ball Evolution fan!'

"You wouldn't dare… right… I mean you're' not that evil right...?" Right about then we were almost on top of him, and Derrik didn't look like he was going to stop, and he didn't.

"Holy shit, my knee, my fucking knee!" Derrik wasn't hurt at all, but the man was. We trampled over him, crushing his knee, causing him to curl in agony. We coculd have probably stopped also...nah, to much effort.

"Hu… Hey you, my comic relief character! Awesome I was wondering when I'd run into you." Derrik exclaimed stupidly. The man's entire face turned red with age.

"What makes you think I'm a comic relief character!" He raged at Derrik.

"You're on the ground hurt, you argue with yourself and you ask stupid questions. You're my comic relief character." The man began to hit his head against the rock near him. "And now you're hurting yourself for my amusement."

"And what makes you think the writer god Overlords would give you a comic relief character!" At this Derrik simply laughed.

"Because they love me, watch this. Oh DarkFire, the beautiful and graceful forever, the woman who holds my heart in her slender soft hands, may I please have a cookie?" Derrik asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Um excuse me sir?" From behind us up came a very cute little girl with a Skitty and Shinx (both shiny) following her. She reached into her basket and pulled out a brownie which Derrik took without asking, and smiled smugly at us.

"That's a brownie," the man said, standing up, "and for some reason, I'm coming with you because the story demands it. My name is...damn it they haven't thought of one for me yet."

"Off we go!" Derrik exclaimed. So we left, firmly equipped with incompetence.


	3. On Villians and Video Games

**AN: **And Srge is back, with another chapter for you guy. Enjoy.

**III: On Villians and Video Games**

Alright, Rye got to nerrarate the last chapter, so now it's my term. Okay, you can do this, no problem. I already narrated on chapter, just got to do it again. It would go so much easier if Rye weren't here, except I can't get rid of him. Hell, we can see each others thoughts and dreams. I wonder if I should tell people about Rye's dream where he's nude, in a bright pink bed, while a burly man with no shirt and a leather mask stands over him stroking a log.

Nah, to weird.

* * *

Alright, the next chapter begins about a month after the last one ended, and again, I had no idea what happened between chapters.

I was in Mahogony Town...somehow, which is weird. The town where I lived is no where near there, not entirly sure we're in the same region. Yet we ended up in Mahogony Town between chapters, best not to think about it.

"Alright, so what happend between chapters?" Rye asked. I shrugged, squirming under the weight of Derrik on top of me.

"Uh, we traveled, battled, oh and Derrik won his first badge. Without any trouble, because he's a genius. Also sexy, and strong, and wonderfull"

"Please shoot me" Rye mumbled, "I remember something else happening, something involving uh"

"Hello!" A Charmander darted up beside us, smiling. "I'm Derrik's second pokemon!"

"That's what happened" Rye mumbled.

"What's your gimmic?" I asked, "You're in a second rate parrody fic, if you're going to survive, you gotta have a gimmic. So, why are you here?"

"I'm here to be a camera mugging jackass" Charmander said, "Become more populer then you because of my quicky nature, and then vannish into the background to the point people forget I was in this story!"

"Kay, so are you planning on shutting up anytime soon?" Rye asked.

"Nope! It's better if I chatter non-stop about irrelevent drivel, it a tactic lazy writers use to develope characters they don't care about!" Charmander said, "And before you ask, yes all my sentences end with exclimation points!" While Charmander ranted, the comic relief character with no name walked beside us, and Derrik sat on top of us monolouging.

"Dash!" The comic relief character shouted, "The overlords finaly gave me a name, and it's Dash!"

"Who are the overlords?" Charmander asked.

"They write the story" I said, "Every year on the Festivle of their Awesomeness, we pay them tribute by watching a marathon of Trigun, recreating the death of Gwen Stacy, all while dressed like characters from Tales of Symphonia"

"Derrik, I finaly got a name" Dash exclaimed happily, "Aren't you happy for me?" Derrik did not repply, stairing off in the distance monolouging.

_Mahogony Town, a town of mahogony, a town of corruption, of death, of crime, of the rage of a beast! It's a town with a story, and a gym, a gym where I might have gotten a badge. I don't remember if it is where I got my badge, all I know is that I have a badge. I might have passed out and won the badge while unconcious, like the first time I went to the dentist when I was fifteen. I was so nervous I passed out and pissed my pants in the waiting room, and when I woke up they told me it was all done. My unconcious form must have been so magnificent that they just gave me a badge. Form is a funny word when you think about it..._

"Hey, I've got a name, you could prepare to care!" Dash snapped.

_Which was when I yelled "Let's asphault this asshole!" We then beat the ever loving crap out of that second grader, and took his money. He only had two dollars though, which I don't get. I keep robbing little kids, and they never have any money!_

"You rob little kids! Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Dash shouted.

_My comic relief character still does not realize his role in the grand scheme of my life. Soon he will see that by being the butt of the jokes, and by traveling with me because the plot says so, his pitifull life will have fufillment_

"That's it" Dash said, slapping Derrik across the face, which got him out of his monolouge.

"What was that for?" Derrik asked. I pecked Dash in the gonads, causing him to grip his balls in pain.

"Why did you peck Dash?" Rye asked.

"How dare he slap the wonderfull and dreamy Derrik!" I shouted.

"I think even your pokemon hate me" Dash mumbled. "Look, I've spent the last year and a half putting up with your non-stop monolouging, our inability to reach one city, the fact that you never say anything to me other then demanding that I make you laugh, and I've had enoungh. We need someone else to travel with us"

"Alright" Derrik said, pulling a dart out. "I'll toss this out, and it'll hit my new traveling companion!"

"You always carry a dart with you?" Dash asked, "Better question, how do you know it'll hit someone who wants to come with us?"

"Because it's being guided by plot convienence!" Derrik shouted happily. He then through the dart straight ahead. The dart was picked up by a gust of wind, and blown into an alleyway, the five of us close behind. We watched as the wind pushed it at a dumpster, a dumpster whose lid began to open. A woman stuck her head out, right as the dart bounced off her head.

"Owe!" She climbed out of the dumpster, and came over to us.

The woman in question was dressed in what looked like a very expensive shiny blue dress, and elbow length gloves. The woman in question had ebony colored skin, shiny black hair, blue eyes, and other...things. I guess she would have been considered attractive, if you were into that sort of thing. I'm not into that sort of thing, not that anyone thinks I am. I mean, if I liked girls, I guess I'd be into her, but I don't like girls. No matter what anyone says, I don't like girls, and the dreams I have are perfectly natural for a girl my age! I mean it, I'm straight as an arrow. I like dicks okay! I...LIKE...DICKS!

"You know" Rye said, "Only you could take a relativly simple description of a character, and turn it into a denial of your latent lesbianism" I pecked him in the right eye, trying to bite it out, instead only poking him.

"Is this your dart?" The woman asked.

"Yes it is" Derrik said. "I'm here to get you to join us in our quest across the country!"

"I dunno" The woman said, "Maybe if you get me a hotel, I'll consider it"

"Alright, let's go right now" Derrik said, kicking us in the side to get us to move. I know you probably think Derrik kicking us is a dickish thing to do, but its not. We should have known to move before Derrik said what we were doing, and he was only kicking us because we suck!

"We can't go to the hotel now!" Dash said, "It's to early"

"Oh really?" Derrik asked. He cleared his throat, and looked straight up. "Later that night" The sun instantly set, and the moon rose.

"...Damn it"

"So just to clairfy" Rye said, "Our brave leader caught a Charmander who was insane, and is now trying to get a perfect stranger he found sleeping in a dumpster to join us, and none of this bugs you in the slightest?"

"Yeah, Derrik is wonderfull isn't he?" I repplied.

* * *

"So, that's our story" Derrik said. He and the woman were sitting on the bed in our hotel room, Dash standing near by and drinking himself into a stupor. "More or less, I'm fantastic"

"I see where you're coming from" The woman said. "Me personaly, I think I need to start traveling. I've seen the truth of the world, and I must spread it!"

"What truth!" Derrik asked.

"Many people believe we live inside of a fiction, created by fans, a "'fanfiction'" if you will. I have discovered the truth though. Our world exists in a plastic box, controlled by the gods who live in the third dimension. Through button commands, they controll our actions, they force us to do what they want, for entertainment purposes!"

"What did she say?" I asked.

"I think she just said we live inside of a Gameboy" Rye repplied. Before the crazy woman could go any further, their was a knock at the door. Derrik got up to answer it, though I don't know why, that's what we had Dash for. I mean, Dash got to be around Derrik, the least he could do to show his appreciation is to answer the fucking door!

Derrik opened the door, to reveal a man. The man in question was a small, pale, balding white guy, wearing square glasses. He was wearing a suite, and looked like a weenie.

"Can I help you?" Derrik asked.

"Yes" He said, "My name is Argon Northbrooks, and I'm here to announce that from this moment onward, I will be the villian of this story!"

"Good to know" Derrik said, shutting the door on Argon. He walked back over to the bed, and sat down. "Alright, well I promise that we won't ridicule your riddiculous ideas to your face, and will only make fun of you behind your back if you agree to come with us"

"Well, when you put it that way, how can I say no?" The woman said. "I'm Diana"

"Derrik" My love repplied. "By the way, how did you end up in that dumpser. Dianna paused for a moment.

"You know what? I don't have an idea"


	4. On Friends And Battles

**AN: **Sorry about the long wait, I was waiting for Lady of DarkFire, who unfortinetly will no longer be writing this story. She is still helping me create it though, and will still recieve creadit as a co-author. Just one who doesn't write.

**IV: On Off Screen Friends And On Screen Battles**

Finally, I get to narrate another chapter! Also, I'm being written by someone else? What the hell? Screw it, at least I got a chapter.

**Rye**

I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to figure out where I was. Like before, I couldn't remember what happened between chapters. One big blank. I could have finally lost my virginity in that time, and I wouldn't know! If you've had sex and don't know it, but it was willing, what does that count as?

"It doesn't count as rape." Ebony said to me.

"Who gave you permission to comment on my opening narration!" I squawked. "Where are we?"

"We're in Saffron City!"

"…Are we still in the same region?"

"Character new I am hello!" A Mudkip said, walking up beside up. "Friend screen off we are, Derrik route between me capture."

"Let me guess, you're Derrik's new pokemon?" I asked.

"I think his gimmick is that he speaks in Engrish." Ebony, master of the obvious, said.

"Zero Wing speak do I." Mudkip said.

"He said he speaks in Zero Wing talk!" Charmander said, rushing over beside us. "It's my job in this story to translate what Mudkip says, and for the two of us to have comedy scenes together because of it! It's a stupid, clichéd gimmick, but this story is nothing if not clichéd! Have I mentioned that I'm in this story?"

While I suffered through the mindless drivel of my off screen team mates, Derrik rode on my back, still monologuing.

_I am here in Saffron City, a City that is large, but also a big city. God that was deep, I'm so awesome. My own sweat smells like candy. I know the villain of my story, what was his name? Argon? Well, he's some where around here, and I'm sure he's planning something. He'll never stop until I'm dead, thanks to our long and tortured past, all thirty seconds of it. Those thirty seconds will haunt me forever, and I will never forget what Radon did to me when we met. His name was Radon wasn't it? I'd like some nachos._

"Just out of curiosity" Dash said, "Are we going to actually do something today? We've been walking in a circle, on the same four streets, for three hours!"

"Shush comedy side-kick!' Derrik said, "I have a plan in place, a plan that can only be understood by my mind! A plan so complex—"

"You got no idea where we're going do you?" Dash asked.

"No."

"Figures." Dash sighed. "I want to die. I'm not funny, but I'm supposed to be a comedy side kick. I've only had thirty lines. I think my hair is falling out, and I'm a virgin. My life sucks."

"Reset your game then." Diana said to him, "Start a new game, and use a guide to make sure that you don't ruin everything."

"WE DON'T LIVE IN A GAME YOU FUCKING MORON!" Dash snapped, eyes about to pop out of his skull. Diana poked him on the face.

"Wow, you're real! I wasn't sure for a second. Wiggy."

"You know what I'd like to see." Dash asked Derrik. "I'd like for the writer to use the correct punctuation and less commas. More so though, I'd like to see you battle Derrik. All your battles have happened off screen."

"You dare question the battle skills of the wonder that is Derrik!" Ebony shrieked, "The sounds of your breaking bones will echo in the streets for years!"

"He wasn't questioning Derrik's fighting skills you zealot!" I snapped. "Why did the Over Lords saddle me with such an annoying second head? What did I do to them?"

"Lords Over you greatly seem hate the." Mudkip stated.

"I think he wants a cookie!" Charmander said. "Have I mentioned I'm in the story?"

"Alright!" Derrik proclaimed, thrusting his arm in the air like a moron. "I, the great Derrik, main character, ruler of all that he sees, lighter of dark corners, bringer of wisdom, bringer of joy…"

He went on like that for another hour.

"…And lord of the dance, will take on your challenge! I will battle a trainer on screen!" Dash yawned, waking up.

"Wuh? Uh, great I guess?"

"Where will you find a trainer though?" Diana asked. "Random encounters don't happen in the cities, there is no grass! Also, when you make eye contact with another trainer, they don't automatically come over to fight you."

"I'll battle you!" A voice exclaimed. We all looked up, to see a female trainer parachute down in front of us. "Hello, my name is Haley! I'm from Plot Convenience A-Go-Go, you may have heard of us. We make sure that things happen even if logic and common sense say they shouldn't."

"Such as parachuting into a city to battle one random trainer?" Dash asked.

"Exactly!" Haley said. "If the plot demands that it start raining screw drivers, and everyone on Earth start doing the Funky Chicken, call us up and we'll make it happen! Now, send out your pokemon, and I will send out mine!" She threw out a pokeball.

"What pokemon could she possibly have?" I asked. "Probably nothing that tough." A Zapdos popped out of the pokeball. "I should really just shut my fucking mouth."

"Get out there and fight bird!" Derrik said, hopping off of us. "I will steer you through this difficult battle, and guarantee us an overwhelming victory!"

"Does he even know what are attacks are?" I asked Ebony.

"Derrik knows all there is to know about us." Ebony replied. "He knows all our moves, every aspect of our personalities, and he has a large penis!"

"Zapdos, drill peck!" Haley ordered. Ebony ran one way and I ran the other, which would have worked if we weren't a Doduo. Instead, Zapdos drill pecked us between our necks.

"GAH!" We shrieked. Derrik did not give us a command though. Instead, he was staring off in the distance.

"Oh come on!" I yelled. "Is now the time to be having yet another monologue? Can't you focus on us for a moment?" Ebony and me finally started running to the left, which didn't matter since Zapdos just flew to the right and drill pecked us again.

"Mudkip has some advice!" Charmander yelled. "It might change the flow of this battle!"

"Run log up avoid peck hit points!" Mudkip yelled. Great to know, that will really turn the battle in our favor.

"At least Mudkip is trying!" Ebony snapped. Didn't I tell you to stop interrupting my narration? "Oh please, like I'm going to listen." While we argued, Zapdos flew over, and bit me on the neck.

"Uh, Derrik?" I asked. Zapdos lifted us up, Derrik continued to stare off into the distance. "Derrik?" Zapdos lifted us off of the ground. "DERRIK!" Zapdos began to paddle Ebony's head against mine, using us like a paddle ball.

"You should have saved your game before this battle." Diana said, "You might loose, and you'll have to start over again."

"Are you planning on giving an attack?" Dash asked.

"Shush, waiting for the drama to reach its peak, then it'll be time to win." Derrik said. Derrik ignored us, as Zapdos zapped us repeatedly.

"What do you have to say about Derrik now!" I screamed. "We're being zapped, stabbed, beaten, flogged, and made asses of!"

"Derrik is so cute." Ebony said, "I love him so much."

"God I hate you!" I screamed. "I want to die! Please Zapdos kill me, just so I don't have to endure one more moment of this! Let me die, I'll be in hell, a much happier place then this!"

"The drama has reached its peak." Derrik said. He turned to Haley. "I will be wining now."

"Oh, okay." Haley said. "Zapdos, drop 'em." Me and Ebony fell on our collective feathery ass. "Do as you wish."

"Bird, peck." Derrik ordered. Ebony gingerly pecked the Zapdos. Zapdos collapsed, giving off a dying cry as it did. Big yellow dumb ass.

"We one! Derrik's skills as a trainer have prevailed!" Ebony shrieked.

"First, you mean won, not one. Second, this battle was fixed! Their was no way on Earth for Derrik to lose!"

"Which means he won!" Ebony said with a smile. I sighed, then smiled.

"Yes, we won."

"Derrik won, you did nothing." Haley recalled the knocked out (how?) Zapdos.

"Alright, you got your plot required victory. I must be off, there is a Sue fic that needs me!" Haley deployed her parachute, which caused her to be pulled up into the air. Ah who cares, as long as it ends the chapter.

"That doesn't count!" Dash whined, "You beat a battle you were going to win no matter what!"

"It does not matter." Diana said, "A battle won with cheat codes, is a battle won none the less. We have won the day, and we should save now."

With that, we headed out, confident with the knowledge that we only won because our trainer is a Gary Stu who rigged the battle.


	5. On Flashbacks and TvTropes

**AN: **Dedicated to Tara Gilesbie, inspiring Derrik and showing us what a truley aweful fanfic is.

**V: On Flashbacks And TvTropes**

I only get to narrate the odd numbered chapters. I never realized that till now, why do I only get the odd number chapters? Then again, this is going to be a fifteen chapter fic, I get more chapters then Rye, so that's awesome. Unless we have to share the last chapter…

**Ebony**

We were in Ecruteak city. How did we get here? Dunno, happened off screen!

"I think I'm getting a head ache from all the off screen travel we're doing." Rye said to me. "Wouldn't it be great to actually see how we got here?"

"We got here because Derrrik brought us here. Isn't he amazing!"

"If that was a question, why not use a question mark?" Rye asked me.

"Because I'm excited! You should be too! Our fic got the highest honor that can possibly be bestowed on it!" Rye's eyes lit up.

"You mean, we're going to be turned into a legitimate non-fanfic, and be published?"

"Even better then that! We've gotten listed under the TvTropes Fanfic Recommendation page!" Rye rolled his eyes at this. "It's a great honor!"

"If it's such a great honor, then why isn't srgeman a recommended author?"

"Because he's a whiney bitch who useless his own characters to try and get his fans to recommend him! Now silence, I must revel in this." I stood there, wondering just how do you go about reveling, when Derrik the bold spoke up.

"For some reason, I find myself unable to monologue." Derrik said. His heart started to race, and he broke out into a cold sweat. "My God, if I don't spend an entire chapter rambling non-sensibly then I-I might have to undergo character growth!" He shuddered, "Being a well rounded character takes effort, I don't want that! Quick, someone figure out how I can fill the next twelve hundred words!"

"Well, then why not fill it reminiscing." Dash said, "That way, you can ramble brainlessly, and the Overlord can cobble together something that only vaguely has a plot."

"Wonderful, let's do it! Who should I talk about?"

"How about that girl Ebony." Derrik stared at Dash, "She lived beside you?" Still nothing, "She was in your class?" Nothing at all, "I somehow know about her despite the fact you've never mentioned her?"

"I know of no one called Ebony, but I did once know an Enoby." Derrik said, "Enoby, now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time…."

"Are we flashing back?" Rye asked.

"Yes!"

"Do I have any choice?"

"No!"

**

* * *

**

Years Ago

Long ago, about the same time _Sliders _was being written, I was just a young girl, living in a house on a street somewhere. You want to know where? Read a different fic!"

It was a sunny day, and all the clouds looked like pancake batter. Looking up at them made me hungry.

"I wonder why there are only five buildings in my town?" I asked myself, "Or why there are no wild pokemon, but if I take three steps outside of town then pokemon are everywhere. I dunno, maybe someday I'll travel outside of town as a love interest in a really badly written crack fic." Suddenly, a moving truck came rumbling by, going to one of the only other houses in the entire town. It screeched to a stop, and the back opened.

Machoke began moving boxes, and by move, they grabbed one, took three steps, and then walked back, in a rhythm. That's when HE came. The perfect example of divinity, a gift from God to the world, like Final Fight 3 or Dolph Lundgren.

He was wearing a red shirt covered with mustard stains, and short-shorts with daisies on them. His shoes were red, and made a clicking noise when he moved. He came over to me, and threw up on my shoes.

"Ugh, I don't even remember eating half that stuff." He mumbled. "I know I threw up on your shoes. It's my vomit, and I expect a tip for allowing it to grace your skin, or I want it back."

"Hi! My name is Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way Gilesbe, and here's a five!" I said, handing him money I suddenly had. "I have pale white skin, and blue eyes like two tepid pools."

"I'm standing right in front of you, why are you describing yourself? You're only supposed to give your expository self description in the first chapter, and it's the fifth! You fail!" I felt myself tear up at this mild and non-sensible insult. "You know, the plot of this story makes no damn sense Enoby."

"It's Ebony, but if you want it to be Enoby, then it is."

"Thanks Egogy, but I wasn't listening. Emony, do you know why I am a main character, while you are just a supporting character?"

"Actually you told me in the first chapter—"

"It's because I can monologue TaEbory. What can you do? You can develop, and go on journeys of self discovery, but I can pad a chapter with nonsense. That's why authors will always use me, because I can be a soap box, I can talk about how awesome The Avengers were."

"The who?"

"Exactly! Sure, some would accuse me of being a Gary Stu, whose only a few badly written chapters away from walking on water, but they're missing the point! I'm perfection, I'm everything you want and need. Women want to be with me, and men want to be gay to be with me!"

"Do you think the two of us could one day be love interests?"

"Well Eboby, I think anything is possible, except that. The sun will rise in the west, the oceans will turn into soda, and Richard Kelly will direct a good movie before the two of use are love interests."

"What if the overlord chooses to kill me off through stupid circumstances, and chooses to bring me back as a Doduo with my greatest enemy, will you still love me then Derrik?"

"How do you know my name, I haven't told you yet! Irrelevant! If such a thing were to happen Mary Sue, then I would not still love you. I'd have to love you in order to still love you, and that's not happening!"

"I'm going to ignore all you said and just hear what I wanted to hear Derrik."

"That's the smart thing to do, it's how you get through life. Maybe one day, you'll get your own story Tara, and maybe one day Lady of DarkFire will write a chapter for this story again. Then again, maybe The Last Dance will update for all I know."

"We need to pad out the chapter, so how about telling me where you came from Derrik." Derrik laughed.

"I cam from the greatest, most beautiful region on Earth, or whatever planet we live on, I came from Isshu."

"I thought it was called Unova."

"It will always Isshu to me. Sure, the government has been overthrown, the ethnic purges have cause the streets to run read with blood, and the countries name was changed because they were ending the purges and beginning a new era of peace, but the name will always be Unova to me."

"Don't you mean Isshu?"

"Exactly!"

**

* * *

**

Flashback Over

"That was how I discovered just how awesome I was." Derrik said, even though I had been the one who started the flashback. "It also made me realize that I could really go for some pancakes." Dash just kept staring at Derrik, having the audacity to be looking upon the face of Derrik. "Do you have something to say comedy side kick?"

"You're a horrible human being. I mean seriously, you've earned your own place in hell, carved out by Satan himself from the bones of the damned."

"I wouldn't want to be in any place made out of the bones of the _Gigli_ cast. It sounds uncomfortable to say the least, though if I were in hell, I suppose I could get a good sun tan."

"Wasn't a woman traveling with us?"

"She'll be in the next chapter I'm sure! Now, we move onward, we never know what region we'll end up in!" With that, we headed off.

"You know" Rye said, "This fic was already crap, but at least it was crap about us, and less padded crap. We devoted an entire chapter to you meeting Derrik? Why the fuck would we do that? Who gives a shit how you met Derrik?"

"I care damn it! I never knew how I met Derrik, it was nice to find out."

"There is so much stupid in that sentence, I'm not going to comment. Besides, the chapter is over."

"Yep, very abrupt."


	6. On Humps and Foreshadowing

**AN:** Hey guys Lady of DarkFire here, now that the Fall and winter are finally over I have free time again, so I can write again! *strikes pose* And now with out any more spot light hogging, I the almighty and beautiful DarkFire give you, chapter six.

**VI: On Humps And Foreshadowing**

**Rye:**

**Yes finally an even chapter, do you know how long I've waited for th-**

Hey what's up bane of my existence, Narrating your chapter?

God damn it! Why, why in the name of Arceus-

Mew.

…**What… what ever. Just why are you here Ebony? Can't I Narrate my chapter in peace?**

Well I'm here to ask annoying questions that point out the flaws in out universe and that you capitalized Narrate for some reason.

**No you not! That is my thing! Your thing it to be ambiguously gay, in love with Derrik, and annoyed by my stupid questions!.**

Why is your text bold? And why did you end that sentence with an exclamation point, and a period?

**Be- because what I have to say is important! **

Right, right what ever you say. Hey Rye, if we're narrating, they does that mean we've already lived though this and am telling the story to some younger relative, or are we in some insane asylum telling a doctor, ooh or maybe we're-

**Will you, for the love of Arceus-**

Mew.

**Just shut up! Just shut your mouth! **

Alright, no need to yell!

**Thank you! Any way so celebration is in order, because we have finally passed the five-**

What motor mouth here is saying is that we are over the five chapter hump, which means it's all down hill from here! Yay!

**IHATEYOU**

Forgot your spaces Rye.

**Die! **

* * *

So we were carrying Derrik though a city! I had no idea which, with our luck it's one from Generation VI that wont be created for 6 years!

"City trainer rock in we" Mudkip was riding on my head… I guess. I really hate time skips, I have no idea where I am who's with me, or how long it's been since the last chapter, and further more.

"He means were in the city with the rock type gym!" And the spotlight stealing jackass was interrupting my Narrative, great just great.

"Because the next chapters going to be serious and a downer we cute guys need to appear and remind every body that we exist and that they love us Come on we're cute right! Adore me!" I tried to stab the freaky little thing, of course I missed and poked Ebony in the eye, waking her up!

"Oh Sarah your tongue is so w- owe! Fucking bastard!" she stabbed my eye right back, and went for my neck.

"Sweet Arceus, Derrik control her! Please for fucks sake she's killing me!" I gasped.

_Chapter six, we've crossed the five chapter hump. The first five chapters are the easiest, the sixth is hard. Hump is a funny word. Like humpty dumpty. Why was he called Humpty? Who the hell would fuck an egg? _

Great he was doing his monologue again. In an attempt to save my life I went for her neck, and while we tried to kill each other Mudkip and Charmander cheered us on cutely from our heads.

_I would fuck an egg, if the egg had nice tits and a firm ass. I wonder—_whump!

With me and Ebony preoccupied with kill each other, we didn't see the tree root and got our foot entangled in it! With those two on our heads, Derrik on out …shoulders? And all 200 pounds' of Derrik's Masturbation jar and other stuff. we fell flat on our faces, smashing them into the hard packed dirt trail, while Derrik landed softly on some forest moss.

"Hey Ebony?"

"What!" she said as she pulled her beck out of the ground

"When the hell did we get enter a forest? I mean we were in a city at the start, now we're in the middle of a forest… and your completely ignoring me aren't you?" that she was, she was tearing up and looking at Derrik, who was sprawled out on his back, one hand under his head, the other at his side

"It's so sad" she whispered

"It makes cute little me cry"

"Upset I do"

"What the hell are you talking about! Oh wait no… this is a foreshadowing chapter isn't it? Which means… shit" nearby Dash had the same realization and cried out in agony

"Damn it no! No more fucking flash backs!" Diana patted him on the shoulder

"Don't worry, just hold down A and the cut scene will go by faster" oh this, this is not fair! We did a flash back last chapter! And why are two flash backs in a row still more interesting then I am!

**Derrik**

It was a dark and stormy night. I ran, of how I ran. I felt the muscles in my legs burning,

My lungs had been about to burst. But the worst of it all was my heart, it was full of fear. Fear for the safety of my Beloved (She's special because her name is capitalized). How could I? How could I have let my beloved out alone! Now he had her, I didn't know his name at the time, but I knew he was bad news! My beloved! I finally reached the top of the hill, jumping off my Ponyta I climbed

**Rye**

"Why why why why why why!"

"Because the audience needs a reminder of why they hate/fear the main villain before he shows up again" Ebony said, smiling. "Shouldn't that have been a question?"

"But he's got to be making this up as he goes along!" I whined.

"Silence infidel!" Ebony stabbed my eye again

**Derrik**

Thankfully the captain Rini took the bribe, and he let go before the cops arrived! I had finally made it, made it to where that man had taken my stolen Beloved. I covered the last few feet and climbed on to the ledge, only to se him. Him and his balding white head, stupid square glasses(That's what he looks like, right?), and all around lameness. We meet eyes, and he laughed a laugh that would never leave my soul. Then he told me two things, and two things only, one that he had stolen my Beloved, two that his name was Argon Northbrooks, and three that we would meet again soon. Then he left as I fell to my knees

"Nooooo!"

**Rye **

Man was that painful, not the just the story, but Ebony pecking me in the eye anytime I tried to open my mouth!

"Is it over? Please tell me the flash backs are finally done with!" Dash begged

"If the cut scene is done you should save so you don't have to sit though it again" Derrik walked over to us, his face dark with pain, he grabbed us and began to smash our heads together.

"Owe, owe, owe, owe! Stop it fuck head!" he just smashed our heads harder together.

"Never drop me and make me remember my broken and horrible past again" yup he defiantly made it up on the spot "and I'll reverse your polarity!" Dash turned to Diana jaw hanging open

"Did he just make a Doctor Who reference!" she just stared at him

"What the hell is a doctor who?" Dash paused, considering her question.

"I have no idea" With that we started walking again, the hot pavement burned my feet… wait…oh come on! I know anything is more interesting then this, but you can at least pretend that your paying attention here! What ever, just get on to the next chapter. Hell have Derrik narrate that one since you love him so much. Just end my suffering!

"defeat worry Friend, fall fine kip" Mudkip said.

"He says he's fine from the fall, so don't worry" Charmander said. They're on my head again! Of course they are, I am a chew toy. End the chapter now! Please!

**CO-AN: **Hey guyS, this is srgemAn, and we should welcome the return of my Very gracefull and wondErfull co-author Lady of DarkFire, and if you don't, she'll feed Me to her dogs, so plEase review and say nice things, because I don't want to die.


End file.
